After

Next week marks the 20th anniversary of my dad's death. Twenty years. I was only ten years old when he passed away but the effects of his death still remain to this day.

For a long time,  my dad dying was the biggest event of my life. The defining event of my life. I started classifying my life into two time periods, Before and After. Before my dad died, I lived in a house with my parents, brother, and sister and walked to elementary school. After my dad died, I lived somewhere new, still with my mom and brother and sister, but without my dad. I didn't walk to elementary school; I rode a bus. These are stupid, useless details, and yet in my young mind, they were important.

"I'm afraid we are going to run out of money," I blurted out to the school counselor just after my dad died and she called me in. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I immediately thought. Money? Your daddy died, and you are seriously going to worry about money?

The counselor was surprised, but her brow furrowed, and she gently told me that she was sure my mom was taking care of everything and we wouldn't have to worry about that. It was going to be fine. I nodded, because there was a giant knot in my throat, and I just wanted her to go away.

I didn't care about money. I cared that my Daddy was gone and now things were never going to be the same. My brother would prattle on for hours, about the cemetery, where Daddy was, how he got sick and then died. He discussed these things with a matter-of-fact tone and his young, bright voice was grating to my ears. Tears would spring to my eyes and I'd look out the car window, wishing he would just be quiet. Just. Be. Quiet.

I remember at my dad's funeral, how sad my mom was. She was sobbing during the service. They had to drag her away from my dad's open casket. This memory, this image, is burned into my brain. I cannot forget. I felt so helpless and I wanted my mom to stop crying. I wanted her to be okay. I looked around the room and felt uncomfortable. People were staring.

For years after my dad died, I would take whatever measures necessary to make sure that my school friends did not find out about my dad. Nobody in middle school wants to have that conversation, about life and death; I avoided it at all costs. If a kid started asking questions, my palms would become sweaty and my face would turn red. Don't ask, I pleaded silently. Please, please, don't ask. I don't want to tell you. Don't make me explain. I wished desperately for a time when saying what happened, saying "my dad died," out loud, did not cause me instant sadness.

Twenty years later. After my dad died. And I'm still not sure how I'm supposed to answer this question, and not feel instant sadness.

Letter to Elliot, age 1

Dear Elliot,

Oh, baby. What a year this has been.

Let me begin by telling you that you are such a wonderful baby. My birth experience with you could not have been better. You were a champ. Everything fell into place. September 5th, 2012, was a beautiful day. I could not have asked for a more perfect day.

You are such a gorgeous baby. People compliment you all the time. They especially love your eyes. They are so round and bright; we are not sure what color they will be yet... they started out as blue and are slowly getting darker, but are not brown yet. A darker hazel, perhaps? You have an honest smile and your hair has just recently started curling ever so slightly. I am thrilled by this development! I have always wanted a little boy with curls. I hope yours stick around.

You are an easy baby. You slept through the night so soon! I thought something was wrong, because babies aren't supposed to sleep. But you did. Of course, since you turned six months it has been a different story entirely, but it was a nice stretch you gave us.

Everybody always talks about how happy you are. And you ARE! You are a happy baby. Laid-back. Despite this, Momma and Daddy see a glimpse of your strong will. You are mischievous. Determined. I can tell that with you, there is no middle ground. You feel what you feel passionately. Watch out, world.

Your favorite things right now are blocks, your Sophie giraffe, and anything that brother is playing with. You give kisses! You also shake your head no. You call for me, "Mama!" and look at me pleadingly while putting your arms up. At bedtime, I nurse you, rock you, and we sing the night-night song. You love cuddling with me and I treasure this time. You grin at me so sweetly and it melts my heart.

I have so enjoyed your babyhood. I know that soon, you will become a toddler. I can hardly believe it, because I have savored every single moment of you being my baby. Some might say that I have spoiled you a bit...

Sweet Elliot, Momma loves you forever. You are my sunshine and always will be.

Always and forever,

Momma

Letter to Connor, age 3

Dear Connor,

Sweet boy... everyday you are showing us more and more of the little boy you are becoming. There are so many things you do, and say, that remind me of both myself and your father. You are sweet. You are stubborn. You are cautious. You have an imagination that makes my heart soar. One day, I know you will wake up and that imagination will be pushed aside to be replaced with reality. But for now... you pretend there are monsters in the room, that your superheroes talk to you, and that the drink of water you bring me is really being drunk. It is so wonderful, experiencing you.

Your favorite things include superheroes, Rescue Bots, and cars. You bring me book after book, and some of them you have memorized! You can read them to us. I was so surprised the night I told you I did not like reading the Darth Vader book, and how about you read it to me? You opened its pages and began reading aloud. Word for word. Your favorite movies are Wall-E and Toy Story (1 AND 3!). 

You are just beginning to notice your brother. You are wary of him - and with good reason! He is all over the place lately and you have made it your mission to protect your toys. But, better than that, you love him so much. You will come over to him and sing to him, tickle him, wrestle with him. His face lights up the instant he sees you. You are his big brother and he ADORES you. You take care of him and I know are his favorite person.

Love, I could write pages and pages about you. Your eyes are a beautiful hazel color and you have two dimples in your cheeks that are precious. You are friendly. When you walk into the room, you shout, "Hi, guys!" I don't think you know a stranger. You still want Mommy to rock you at night. When I walk into your room at night, when you are supposed to be asleep, you whisper, "Rock, Mommy. I wanna rock." So you curl up into the rocker with me (you are getting so tall!) and we rock. Sometimes we sing songs. Your favorite is Baby Mine. When I sing it to you, you listen intently and smile sweetly.

I love you so much, beautiful boy. You will always be my baby. I can't wait to see how you will be at age four. 

Always and forever,

Mommy

Letter to Connor, age 1

Dear Connor,

Where to begin? You are my beautiful baby boy... and I can't even believe how quickly this year has flown by.

I remember when we found out we were expecting you. It was the month of May. School was coming to an end. When I took that pregnancy test, and the two pink lines popped up, I knew right at that moment: I loved you. I loved you SO much.

11 months later and guess what? My love has grown so much that it feels as if my heart may burst. You are my reason for living, my reason for EVERYTHING. My love is bigger than this universe, baby, and you better never EVER doubt that!

What do I love about you? Let's start with your smile. Oh, honey, your smile. It is going to break some hearts one day. It is the most beautiful smile in the world. You have dimples! I LOVE DIMPLES! And your dimples are the best ever.

Your eyes are a beautiful, beautiful color right now, bubby. They are a blue-green color with some flecks of gold. Daddy and I talk about your eye color often. We thought for sure you'd have brown eyes like your daddy (which would be beautiful, too). But you surprised us. Your eyes are a wonderful hazel color. Sometimes they look blue; other times green; and sometimes inbetween. They are full of wonder, love, and hope.

You are such a delight right now. You are crawling ALL over the place and pulling up on the furniture. You love to go over to the bookshelf and pull all of Mommy's books down. Maybe you will be a reader like your momma? You also love the kitty cats. You will crawl after them with an enormous grin on your face and say "kikikikiki". You love to shake your head no and dance up and down.

Everybody who meets you instantly loves you. People come up to you in grocery stores or at the mall and say how adorable you are!

One of the things you hate is bedtime. Oh, you fight it. You think it's such a waste of time! Sometimes you will wake up a few times during the night so momma or daddy has to go in to give you a paci, or rock you back to sleep. We don't mind, though. We love you so much.

Always and forever,

Mommy

Hypochondriacs Don't Deal Well With Sickness

A few weeks ago (I will be honest, I can't remember. It could have been two, or it might have been three) I woke up with a sore throat. The sore throat went away, but then turned into a cough. The cough stuck around for a couple of weeks as is typical for me (I don't deal with coughs very well, and they love to linger). As a lovely side effect, my voice also went, which was just FABULOUS since I teach for a living and, well, let's face it: teaching requires being able to talk.

I literally got rid of this last Monday and was giving myself a pat on the back, because generally I get the one case of bronchitis a year and that's it -- I am pretty much done with the sickness thing. But Friday I found out that my theory was WRONG, and in fact, I got something a little different than the typical cough.

So, yeah, Friday. I woke up with a sore throat, and thought NOTHING of it. I have sinuses alot (did you want to know this much about my secretions?) so I figured after a few hours it would go away. Except, it didn't. It got WORSE. I am at work, drinking water is killing me, luckily I am testing my kids so no talking is required, but I realize something: I FEEL LIKE CRAP!

I manage to sneak in a few naps during my off periods, and by 7th period I am done. Finito. I officially am admitting defeat. I know I don't have a temperature, because the school nurse took it for me, but my mom has successfully convinced me to go see the doctor (ahem... the feeling of swallowing GLASS is really more convincing than my mom, actually).  

And oh, the doctor? I hate the doctor. I hate anything connected with doctors. They make me nervous, and, well, I am a pessimist when it comes to my health. Sore throat? Swollen glands? OMG I MUST HAVE SOME AWFUL RARE DISEASE THAT IS GOING TO KILL ME. Trust me on this. I was armed with info from WebMD and a good helping of Overreaction, two very dangerous combinations. I was convincing myself that I could have mono on the way to the doctor. And when that threw me into a panic attack, I talked myself back down to sinuses. Don't be silly, I told myself. Sinuses! Tonsillitis at worse. Wait, tonsillitis? I panicked, does that require the tonsils to come out?!

To make a long story short... they of course did a strep test, which sucks, because having a giant Q-Tip shoved down your throat is not pleasant in the least. And of course I tested positive.  And I was given a choice: shot of penicillin or 10 days of Amoxicillin. And this is where I get PROUD, because did I cop out and take the pills?

NOPE! I took the shot like a man (erm... woman) and limped out of there relieved, because Mono? PSHAW! It's just strep throat! I knew it wasn't anything serious, all along. 

25 Random Things About Me (Not that you asked...)

I got tagged on one of these and thought I would give it a whirl...

1. The year I turned 10 was a pretty bad year. In addition to some family problems, I stepped on a piece of glass and had to get it cut out of my left foot and rode a horse for the first time and promptly got kicked off. I was grateful to see 11.

2. I love to read, and my guilty pleasure is YA fiction. I am still young at heart and will pull out Ramona, Judy Blume, or Laura Ingalls Wilder for an afternoon.

3. My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We have been together since we were 16.

4. My mom had me pretty young (19) and I have found that the older I get the more like friends we become. I tell her everything and we talk on the phone daily.

5. I love dessert; it is my absolute fave. I would probably eat it twice a day if I could. Chocolate chip cookies are my favorite.

6. In college I developed a huge addiction to Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV show). I own all 7 seasons and have watched them all the way through more than once.

7. After college, I had a hard time "finding myself." I interned and worked crap jobs for about a year until I finally decided to try something I had always wanted to do: teaching. It was the best decision I've ever made.

8. Piggybacking off number 7, the summer I spent as a counselor for a summer day camp and attending night classes to get certified to teach was the best summer of my life.

9. As a child, I was painfully shy. I think I am still shy inside, but have learned to overcome it.

10. I am a very anxious person. I get nervous about big events, vacations, the dentist, the doctor, talking in front of large groups of people (this excludes the classroom), missed calls on my cell phone, and sometimes for no reason at all.

11. As a child, I would spend numerous hours talking to myself and making up games and stories. I did this for far longer than was probably normal, but I was sad the day I realized I no longer did it, because it meant I had grown up. 

12. It is my dream to one day write a novel. I love to write and I have lots of ideas, I just don't know how to go about it. I think I need more life experience to write something really good.

13. I have naturally curly hair and I have days where I love it and days where I really hate it. 

14. I took dance classes growing up and absolutely loved it. I was never very good, but there is always a part of me that wishes I could have been a ballerina.

15. I am a very picky eater and don't like my food to touch.

16. I love to play board games.

17. I've kept a journal since I was 13. Two are completed and I am currently on my third. 

18. Recently, I discovered that I am allergic to bananas and melon. They make my throat itch and my tongue gets little sores.

19.  I love summer and winter, but spring and fall get on my nerves because I want the weather to be either really hot or really cold (I can't stand the iffiness of the other two). 

20.  If I had to pick one thing to drink for the rest of my life it would be iced tea. I live on it.

21. I have been out of the country three times in my life, but traveling outside of the U.S.  makes me nervous. 

22. When I flew to Washington state in September of 2008, I had a connection in Phoenix and caught a glimpse of the mountains from the airport window. I fell in love with the western part of the United States in that moment.

23. I share my birthday with my paternal grandfather and my name with my paternal great-grandmother.

24. I am the oldest child and I think it's the reason I am so bossy, opinionated, and take-charge. 

25. I am a long sleeper. Eight hours doesn't really cut it and I usually require nine or ten, but have been known to sleep about twelve on occasion (okay... every weekend).   

I might get summers off, but I am paying for it NOW.

I have never had that naked dream that everyone has. You know what I mean -- you show up to school/work/public place and you look down and realize you have NO CLOTHES ON. And, peculiarly enough, nobody except you seems to notice.

Well, the other night, I had that dream.

I was at school -- teaching a class, 4th period to be exact -- and I looked down and realized that I was soooo naked. And I panicked. And then realized that two of my bosses were assessing me that day. The assistant principal was shaking his head and saying "I just don't know that she's going to make it."

The next part of the dream involved me scampering around the school desperately searching for clothes and then getting called into the principal's office for my mid-year evaluation.

Gee -- I wonder if I'm having anxiety about my job?

Here's the thing... I knew immediately what this dream meant, because when I dream there are always really strong emotions attached to my dreams. Clearly, I feel inadequate and am unsure of how I'm doing my job. I feel as if I am being watched, so as a result I feel "exposed." And I am so nervous about impressing my principal that I am worried about REALLY screwing up my evaluations.

I never imagined when I chose teaching as a profession that it would be this... well... hard. But it is. There is alot of stress and pressure, especially at my school which is a high-performing middle school with an arts academy. They put a ton of emphasis on the state tests (TAKS, which could possibly stand for Teacher Assessment based on their Kids' Skills rather than Texas Assessment of Knowledge & Skills). And this being (technically) my internship year means that my performance will determine if I am recommended for certification.

I am just so worried about screwing it up. And I never realized that every day I would question my skills and myself. I had always thought of teaching as an easy profession -- you get to do fun stuff like "play" school, interact with kids, and then of course you get 3 months off a year. Teaching, I thought, could not be that difficult.

I stand corrected.

Happy New Year

I had an awesome, awesome day today.

I slept in -- per the usual these days, with less than three days left of Christmas vacation -- and after a couple of errands (rent, bank, the usual), went to a lovely (albeit expensive) Italian restaurant with Lee. Two pasta dishes, salads and cappuccinos later, we had had a wonderful, conversation-laden meal that comes along when it's just the two of us sans the television. It was $63 well spent, considering the company and leisurely pace of the meal (and what a sunset!)

One of the things that came up was the year 2008. I think it started with.... "It's going to be great... 'cause it's 2008!" That's what everyone's saying these days, anyway. I confessed to Lee that I am not fond of even-numbered years -- they usually disappoint me.

Which got me thinking -- it's kind of true. 2005 was an odd-numbered year -- and while at the time was awful, horrible, and toasted away as 2006 rang in -- overall, I have to confess that 2005 was good to me. One of my very best friends visited me for Spring Break. I married Lee. I graduated from college. The one big hitch of 2005 was, of course, Lee's mother passing away. But if we're operating on a basic pro/con system, the pros outweighed the cons. If that makes sense.

And then there's 2006. Ah, 2006. How you shamed me. It started out so promising.

2006 is what I like to affectionately call "The Year of My Independence" or "The Year I Knew Hell"... take your pick. Why am I coming down so hard on 2006? I have no one to blame but myself, really. I was the one who decided it would be a good idea to take an internship in a city away from my husband. I was the one that decided moving in with my best friend into her one bedroom apartment was an EXCELLENT idea.

However, there were just a few things beyond my control that contributed to its crappiness. My brother was deployed to Iraq in June -- oh, and did I mention it was the same month that I had moved away from my husband to take an unpaid internship three hours away?

So here I was.... independent, sure, something I had almost longed for in recent years... working, worrying about my brother, being away from my husband but too close to my best friend, and feeling completely, utterly alone. It is not a high point. It was a learning experience, yes; but definitely not a crowning achievement.

But EVEN then... even when I think back to that year and kinda cringe... I have to remember that I made some new friends, too. Some friends who are so dear to me and add to the joy in my life. So wait... was 2006 so bad, really? New friends; new experiences; I bonded with my mom; the distance from Lee made me realize how much I loved him; and I learned that being alone was NOT for me. Single working girl, you can have your life and I will take mine back, please. Now?



Which bring us to 2007. I have to admit, 2007 was good to me (because it is an even-numbered year, clearly). Lee and I BOTH moved (together) after he graduated from college (finally!). He took a teaching position; I still had my old job, and set some new goals for myself. In February I decided to pursue the teaching venue, and applied to, was accepted, and completed the Alternative Certification program for Dallas ISD. And now I'm teaching in Dallas ISD. All the goals I set in 2007 were accomplished. My brother came home from Iraq, safely. My sister got married.

Of course 2007 has it's own silver lining. Friendships that shouldn't have stumbled along the path, did. Cars broke down. Money was not plentiful and I worked my butt off during the summer. But again, I am operating on pure pro/con here.

I'm gonna go with, 2007 was truly good to me. Truly.

New Year Resolutions for 2008:

-Drink more water.
-Lose weight. For real this time.
-Save money. Alot of it.
-Go on one awesome vacation with Lee.
-Repair friendships.
-Start a family

Okay, 2008. Prove me wrong. Be GREAT.