I might get summers off, but I am paying for it NOW.

I have never had that naked dream that everyone has. You know what I mean -- you show up to school/work/public place and you look down and realize you have NO CLOTHES ON. And, peculiarly enough, nobody except you seems to notice.

Well, the other night, I had that dream.

I was at school -- teaching a class, 4th period to be exact -- and I looked down and realized that I was soooo naked. And I panicked. And then realized that two of my bosses were assessing me that day. The assistant principal was shaking his head and saying "I just don't know that she's going to make it."

The next part of the dream involved me scampering around the school desperately searching for clothes and then getting called into the principal's office for my mid-year evaluation.

Gee -- I wonder if I'm having anxiety about my job?

Here's the thing... I knew immediately what this dream meant, because when I dream there are always really strong emotions attached to my dreams. Clearly, I feel inadequate and am unsure of how I'm doing my job. I feel as if I am being watched, so as a result I feel "exposed." And I am so nervous about impressing my principal that I am worried about REALLY screwing up my evaluations.

I never imagined when I chose teaching as a profession that it would be this... well... hard. But it is. There is alot of stress and pressure, especially at my school which is a high-performing middle school with an arts academy. They put a ton of emphasis on the state tests (TAKS, which could possibly stand for Teacher Assessment based on their Kids' Skills rather than Texas Assessment of Knowledge & Skills). And this being (technically) my internship year means that my performance will determine if I am recommended for certification.

I am just so worried about screwing it up. And I never realized that every day I would question my skills and myself. I had always thought of teaching as an easy profession -- you get to do fun stuff like "play" school, interact with kids, and then of course you get 3 months off a year. Teaching, I thought, could not be that difficult.

I stand corrected.

Happy New Year

I had an awesome, awesome day today.

I slept in -- per the usual these days, with less than three days left of Christmas vacation -- and after a couple of errands (rent, bank, the usual), went to a lovely (albeit expensive) Italian restaurant with Lee. Two pasta dishes, salads and cappuccinos later, we had had a wonderful, conversation-laden meal that comes along when it's just the two of us sans the television. It was $63 well spent, considering the company and leisurely pace of the meal (and what a sunset!)

One of the things that came up was the year 2008. I think it started with.... "It's going to be great... 'cause it's 2008!" That's what everyone's saying these days, anyway. I confessed to Lee that I am not fond of even-numbered years -- they usually disappoint me.

Which got me thinking -- it's kind of true. 2005 was an odd-numbered year -- and while at the time was awful, horrible, and toasted away as 2006 rang in -- overall, I have to confess that 2005 was good to me. One of my very best friends visited me for Spring Break. I married Lee. I graduated from college. The one big hitch of 2005 was, of course, Lee's mother passing away. But if we're operating on a basic pro/con system, the pros outweighed the cons. If that makes sense.

And then there's 2006. Ah, 2006. How you shamed me. It started out so promising.

2006 is what I like to affectionately call "The Year of My Independence" or "The Year I Knew Hell"... take your pick. Why am I coming down so hard on 2006? I have no one to blame but myself, really. I was the one who decided it would be a good idea to take an internship in a city away from my husband. I was the one that decided moving in with my best friend into her one bedroom apartment was an EXCELLENT idea.

However, there were just a few things beyond my control that contributed to its crappiness. My brother was deployed to Iraq in June -- oh, and did I mention it was the same month that I had moved away from my husband to take an unpaid internship three hours away?

So here I was.... independent, sure, something I had almost longed for in recent years... working, worrying about my brother, being away from my husband but too close to my best friend, and feeling completely, utterly alone. It is not a high point. It was a learning experience, yes; but definitely not a crowning achievement.

But EVEN then... even when I think back to that year and kinda cringe... I have to remember that I made some new friends, too. Some friends who are so dear to me and add to the joy in my life. So wait... was 2006 so bad, really? New friends; new experiences; I bonded with my mom; the distance from Lee made me realize how much I loved him; and I learned that being alone was NOT for me. Single working girl, you can have your life and I will take mine back, please. Now?



Which bring us to 2007. I have to admit, 2007 was good to me (because it is an even-numbered year, clearly). Lee and I BOTH moved (together) after he graduated from college (finally!). He took a teaching position; I still had my old job, and set some new goals for myself. In February I decided to pursue the teaching venue, and applied to, was accepted, and completed the Alternative Certification program for Dallas ISD. And now I'm teaching in Dallas ISD. All the goals I set in 2007 were accomplished. My brother came home from Iraq, safely. My sister got married.

Of course 2007 has it's own silver lining. Friendships that shouldn't have stumbled along the path, did. Cars broke down. Money was not plentiful and I worked my butt off during the summer. But again, I am operating on pure pro/con here.

I'm gonna go with, 2007 was truly good to me. Truly.

New Year Resolutions for 2008:

-Drink more water.
-Lose weight. For real this time.
-Save money. Alot of it.
-Go on one awesome vacation with Lee.
-Repair friendships.
-Start a family

Okay, 2008. Prove me wrong. Be GREAT.